Mmm, Suave!

Yes, it has been a long time. No, we don’t actually have a good excuse. Yes, we are both very sorry for the absence. No … well, just no. So! We come back to you with something that will hopefully be intriguing. Maybe. Last night, Dave (of Dave & Collin) challenged Tyler to keep a spoonful of shampoo in her mouth as long as she possibly could. This is what happened:

Love, Kisses, and a Massive Mouthful of Heaven,
Tyler & Ali

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Things You Should Know About: Russia Edition

We here at Ty & Pants are cultured, worldly individuals. Because of this, we’ve decided to bring you Things You Should Know About: [Insert Country Here] Edition. They are prime examples of that country’s culture & way of life, should form and shape your opinion of said country, etc., etc. This week’s Things You Should Know About is regarding Mother Russia. We figured this fitting, as the next Winter Olympic Games are to be held in the beautiful & frigid Sochi, Russia, & we are avid Olympics lovers. So! Onto Things You Should Know About: Russia Edition – Enjoy!

Disclaimer! We don’t really know anything about Russia, to be honest. The sentiments expressed are purely for the sake of humor & are not, in any way, meant to enflame or otherwise offend anyone, etc., etc.

PART ONE: Facts, etc.

Babushka
BABUSHKA!
  • Russia is the largest country in the world!
  • Russia has about 145.5 million people. That’s not too many for a country of its humongous size. (To compare: China, which is only a little more than half Russia’s size, has a population of 1.3 billion.)
  • The temperature hardcore varies. It can get as hot as 32C in the summer & -25C in the winter.
  • 10% of the country’s income comes from the sale of Vodka.
  • Russia has really good food. Like Pelmini.
  • They’ve also got Babushkas, which are neat. And Russian Stacking Dolls! Super cute.

PART TWO: Extremely Useful Russian Phrases

Let this be your guide on your next trip to Russia. You’ll sure fit in when you use these awesome, super-useful phrases!

  • “Priviet!” which means, “Hi!”
  • “Kak dela?” which means, “How are you?”
  • “Spasiba, horošo. A u vas?” which means, “I’m fine, thanks. And you?”
  • “Gde tualet?” which means, “Where’s the toilet?”
  • “Boroda vam ochen’ idjot.” which means, “That beard suits you very well.”
  • “A gdie zhe tiolki?” which means, “Where are the chicks?”
  • “Moio sudno na vozdušnoy poduške polno ugrey.” which means, “My hovercraft is full of eels.”
  • “Otsasi.” which means, “Suck my dick.”
  • “Pashol nahui.” which means, “Go fuck yourself.”

PART THREE: Russian Culture Through Video


This is a Man Singer. Especially take note of his facial expressions, which you should learn to emulate in order to more fully embrace Russian culture. Roughly translated, the title means “I am very glad, in fact I, at last, I come back home.”


This is Vitas. He’s brilliant. Also, fishy. But mostly brilliant. Take note of his incredible range & vocal talent, etc. Also, the gills. You can’t beat the gills. (Really, though, he’s fierce as hell.)

Hugs, Kisses, &  The Perfectly Pitched Wail of a Merman,
Tyler & Ali 

Robot Unicorn Attack (or, Where in the Hell We’ve Been)

You’ve all probably noticed (or not, let’s face it) that we have been absent for a particularly long while. Oh, fear not, compadres! We’re not dead! We’ve just fallen victim to the most addictive flash game in the history of addicting flash games (Which, allow me to assure you, is quite long. Remember Pong? Yeah? Okay, okay, it may not have been flash, but the principle is the same. It’s damn addictive.) So! It’s been quite a minute.

Really, though, we’re here to present to you the simultaneously best & worst game that you’ve ever played. It’s a flash game from Adult Swim, and it will be the end of you. What is this game, you ask? Oh, nothing special. It’s just Canabalt on sparkly, cupcake-filled steroids. It’s just putting a robot unicorn’s very life at your mercy. It’s just dashing valiantly through beast-ass crystal stars with your rainbow power. It’s just majestically galloping across purple landscapes to the most invasive & brilliant soundtrack in the history of ever. (Don’t be fooled at first hearing; it becomes part of the game-playing experience and then an important part of your everyday life.) It’s … none other than Robot Unicorn Attack and it. is. magnificent.

Brilliance

Click the photo for brilliant, time-consuming gameplay.

Why, then, is the game so addictive that it would merit the loss of nearly a month’s worth of enticing blog entries? Play it for yourself. Then – & only then! – will you truly understand the power that that Robot Unicorn holds over your very being.

Love, Kisses, & Our Wanting to Be With You, Make Believe With You, and Live in Harmony, Harmony, Oh, Love,
Tyler & Ali

Jersey Shore: Television From Beyond the Stars?

A few weeks ago, I decided it would be a good idea to watch MTV’s Jersey Shore. Not for the obviously engaging dialogue, or well thought-out concept, no. I wanted to watch it because those deranged Guidos and Guidettes are 8 of the most fascinating reality show subjects I’ve ever witnessed. Let’s run down who they are, shall we?

Cast

They're gonna have such a special day!

Ronnie

Ronnie is reaching toward his home planet.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro – Let me put this into perspective for you. The opening credits of Jersey Shore is the characters, their names, and an audio clip of them saying something stupid. Ronnie’s quote is just him laughing like a retarded boy. This is a perfect opener for what Jersey Shore has to offer. Ronnie’s attitude is not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. He continues by saying that it’s all about getting laid and getting women to come to you by not wearing a shirt. I feel that his analogy of flies to shit is somewhat lacking, though.

Just out of frame: Blood Drenched Hatchet

Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick – Jolie refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island or some such drivel. In actuality, she is a bartender and has a boyfriend back home. However, she breaks up with said boyfriend and is soon evicted from the house for refusing to work. Stay tuned, though, because I’m sure we’ll see her soon either in the pages of Playboy, or on a YouTube video, detailing her plan to kill the President. On the second night, some of the guys invite some random girls off the street to bang in their roof jacuzzi. This does not go over well with Jolie at all. She refers to the girls as Whore-Bags because, as we all know, you can always spot a whore as someone willing to get into a jacuzzi when invited.

This is Vinny's hilarious stroke impression. It goes over really well when he's volunteering at nursing homes.

Vinny Guadagnino – Vinny seems like quite a sweet young man. He comes from a rather large Italian family and doesn’t need to look like an idiot to consider himself a Guido. However, I was able to ignore all of this when I realized that during his introductory interview, he had the biggest sweat stains I have ever witnessed bleeding through his shirt’s armpits. To make matters worse, he decides to start fist-pumping, revealing his underarms to the entire MTV audience. Vinny is celebrating his first Summer as a 21 year old at the Shore, so I’m hoping for a series of ridiculous actions and three livers worth of drinking from him.

That may look like cloth, but JWoww's dress is actually made from the dried flesh of her felled enemies who were not fortunate enough to go to Valhalla.

Jenni “JWoww” Farley – Jenni is introduced in a series of clips of her modeling and being a whore. She narrates by confirming these promiscuous accusations. She goes on about getting guys and eating their heads, which I didn’t really understand, but hey, she’s on TV and I’m not, so I guess she can say whatever the hell she wants to. Based on the quality of the small clip we actually see of her talking, I think it was the video she sent to MTV so she could be on this show, but she decided it would be a good idea not to wear make-up whilst she talked about the finer parts of being attractive. However, she outdoes herself by getting painted up like a homeless clown in her official intro interview. She introduces herself to the other housemates as ‘JWoww’ because she’s an idiot. As a 21st birthday gift to herself, she got a boob job, though it totally doesn’t show!* At dinner on the second night (The Situation sits at the head of the house), Vinny is saying grace and keeps giggling like a pre-pubescent school girl. JWoww goes on about grace not being a joke or some such malarkey, but it’s pretty hard to make a comment in favor of religion when you are in fact, the Devil.

*Note sarcasm

Here we see the Situation pointing at the Situation's Situation. Hear that? That was your mind exploding.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – First Impression: The Situation walks into the Jersey Shore house, sees a Scarface poster and exclaims, “Oo~oh! Scarface!” I hate The Situation. Soon after, Sammi “Sweetheart” shows up at the house. The Situation’s reaction: “I see this beautiful girl, and I’m like, ‘damn!’ And I was immediately like, alright. I figured I’d hook up with her.” This man’s view of the world is so simple and beautiful, perhaps if we could all live in the mystical fantasy world of The Situation, we would no longer have war, or poverty, or hatred. We could all live as one unified people in a perfect existence. However, we would suffer from the fact that we would all be blithering idiots with God Complexes. The Situation often refers to The Situation in the third person and also refers to The Situation’s abs as ‘The Situation’.

Actual Size.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi – Snooki is the Guido Goblin. She’s about 4 foot negative 6 inches, and doesn’t seem to understand how thought works. She spends the entire drive to the Jersey Shore swearing at people in other cars who can’t hear her, cutting people off, and admitting she can’t drive. Finally, her car dies near the house. In a later episode, some guy punches her in the face in a club for reasons I don’t know, but still agree with. Snookie spends her first day at the house by getting frighteningly drunk to the point where she can’t walk without slurring and tells everyone she goblin-loves them. Soon thereafter, all the guys get into the hot tub on the roof and Snooki figures that it’s a good idea to make out with everyone including one of the girls (I don’t know which one, they all look alike other than the Goblin). She soon passes out and everybody leaves so they can try and remember what life was like before they knew Goblins existed. She eventually wakes up and tries to call her dad who swears at her and doesn’t believe she is who she says she is. Snooki then shows up late for her first day of work and gets a stern talkin’ to from ‘Da Boss’. She claims that it’s ‘not [like] her’ to show up late, or make a bad impression however. I guess I missed the part where she was told that all that Vodka she was drinking was actually chocolate milk and sunshine. In Snooki’s own words, she is usually the center of attention, probably in the way that the man with half a face is the person you’re going to star at in a Hospital waiting room. So she contemplates leaving the house because people don’t notice her or something. I’m not entirely sure because I don’t speak Goblin. Luckily, she stays, and we get to continue watching the train wreck that is her life.

“What? No, it's not my blow dryer! More like, should be in the kitchen! Ha ha!"

Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio – Visually, DJ Pauly D is the worst person to ever live. It doesn’t help that he’s also a bit of a belligerent misogynist. After witnessing The Situation and Sweetheart cooking together, he proclaims (in a private interview, of course) that Women are supposed to cook, and Men are supposed to eat. A lot of people would agree with that statement, however, most of those people would not have a low enough IQ to say it on television. DJ Pauly D is, as you may have guessed, a DJ. He also owns a tanning bed, buys enough hair gel to feed a family of wigs, and is 29. When DJ Pauly D wakes up in the morning, he does his hair, then he does it again before he goes out on the town. The entire process takes about 25 minutes.

DJ Pauly D, on the second night, makes a desperate attempt at comparing picking up Women from a second story deck to fishing, or something just as retarded. However, he gets too caught up in trying to explain himself to himself and ends up looking like a bit of a spacker, He then tries, in vain, to save himself with a horribly-placed smile that makes him look like a rapist.

After she is done communing with her Dark Overlord, Sammi enjoys walks on the beach and mass genocide! Yay!

Sammi ‘Sweetheart” Giancola – She is described as a heartbreaker, but I like to think of her as more of a stupid spoiled slut (Alliterations! See? English can be fun, too!). I don’t have a whole lot to say about her, but I think that’s just because she doesn’t make as much a show out of herself like The Situation, DJ Pauly D, and Snooki do. I really hate Snooki.

After watching a few episodes, I’m almost entirely certain that all of these people are from some sort of horrific race of space-evil. To illustrate this point, the House phone is a duck. It seems to me that they were called down from whatever Star System they originated from to observe life on Earth and mate with our Women. Ironically, Snooki is on the only one to question the duck phone, which is odd, because she seems like she would be the Alien High Commander. This also seems like a highly-possible explanation when the next day, The Situation is wearing a shirt with a British Flag on it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t they been going on the whole time, talking about how Italian they are? If they’re all such proud Guidos, why is the Situation covering up the Situation’s Situation with another country’s flag? I’ll tell you why, because all they learned about Guido’s, they learned from television mixed with Archie comics. I’m not sure how that equates to a British Flag shirt, but that’s aliens for you.

Remember in the Fantastic Four #s 48-50? When Galactus came to Earth to destroy it, or eat it, or whatever? And then Uatu, the Watcher showed up even though he is sworn to never interfere with the planet he’s observing? Well, I imagine that Uatu should be showing up any day now to let everyone know that we should either destroy this threat to sanity, or evacuate the planet because it has already been far too tainted to ever become habitable again.

“This shall be your new home, Earthlings. The only threat to your mind you will find here are the cannibalistic Lunar Beasts that dwell in the craters. Farewell.”

Contributed by Dane Matthews.

Just Dance! It might not be okay, but hey! At least you gave it a shot!

Yes and no. Yes, Lady Gaga is the song bird of our generation. No, playing her songs does not make you gay … that’s right, Guy in 807! You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. But that’s not the point. Allow me to set the scene for you. So you just got to a “kick-ass” rave at some obscure frat whose motto is some combination of the words “brothers,” “character,” “challenge,” “douche,” and “trrradtion!” (You know the one.) The party is just getting started, and if you’re anything like Ke$ha, you’ve already brushed your teeth with a bottle of Jack (which, I’m warning you now, is terrible for your gums; don’t be fooled.)

So, you’re feeling fly, you’re getting crunk, and the next thing you know, some girl is spilling her Blue Moon all over your new Miley Cyrus collection T from Wal-mart (Don’t judge; you know you have one, too.) Now you’re pissed. You turn to see who you’re about to curb stomp, and, instead, all you get is a tiny little ball of fury, spinning wildly around screaming, “HOMG!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!” Now you just feel bad; you can’t throw down while this poor girl is lookin’ like a fool. Obviously, it’s not her fault – she can’t help that the overpowering smell of axe body spray and natty light do her in every time, but what she can help is not stepping on everyone’s toes with her studded cowboy boots.

Dancing is an art form, and it has progressed throughout the years from the medieval Washerwoman’s Branle –

I don’t know, but I want it.

to the 70’s Bump

Try not to let the image of your parents bumping scar you. After all, it may have lead to your birth.

to today’s Jerk

Is it obvious yet how white I am?

Now, I’ll admit – the pressure to be a good dancer these days is apparent at almost every social or school mixer. You can’t even step outside without someone challenging you to a crump battle. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black, white, latina, or chinese; everyone has the ability to dance without looking all jacked up and busted. There are just so many different options! You could go for the “Hey! I’m ironic! I don’t know how to dance, so I’m going to purposely look like I’m having a seizure!” or the timeless “Hey! I’m a boy! I’m going to sway back and forth and act like I don’t really care that you’re rubbing your genitals against me!”  Whatever you fancy! Just give it a try! What’s the worst that could happen?

On second thought … yeah, just stay home.

Hugs, Kisses, & a surprise wet one from the Q-Dogs,
Tyler & Ali

P.S. If you were offended by this, it means you can’t dance … and also that you’re cool.

The Tool vs. The Douche: How to Distinguish

Obviously, they’re both obnoxious, but what’s the distinction? Although it may be subtle, it is very important. Tools & Douches are two separate breeds of asshole, & both run rampant – especially on a college campus. Let’s see what Urban Dictionary has to say on the subject: (both definitions are verbatim – typos & grammar errors, et al.)

Tool: “A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a ‘what-are-you-even-doing-here’ look. The ‘what-are-you-even-doing-here’ look is classified by a glare in the tool’s direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is alwasys making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will. However, the tool is useful because you can use them for things; money, rides, ect.”

Douche: “Literal – A liquid concoction used for sanitizing and cleaning the female nether regions.

Actual – A person who is a waste of oxygen; an idiot. Also used to describe a male / female (N) that won’t let you run your game. To act in a ridiculous manner; embarassing (V) … An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”

So what constitutes being a “douche” or a “tool”? We asked some of our friends, and these were their replies:

  • “A tool is something that you use to insert a douche.” – Collin Wilson
  • “Being a douche is more intentional – tools are just tools.” – Luke Lloyd
  • “A tool is not necessarily a jerk; they just don’t realize that they’re being tools.” – Nate Liao
  • “Usually, tools are attractive people, and douche bags are unattractive. A tool can get away with saying jackassery-type things, whereas a douche can’t, because he looks like an ass.” – Nadia Heidari

Conclusion!
We’ve decided that Douches are deliberately … well, douchey, whereas Tools are more accidentally obnoxious. Still confused? Refer to this guide as a reference:

Tool vs. Douche: Celebrity Mini Edition


Spencer Pratt
DOUCHE
Look at him with his creepy flesh-colored beard … gross. He just goes out of his way to be absolutely obnoxious & ruin your day.

Russell Brand
TOOL
With that brilliantly coiffed mane & “funny” commentary, Russell Brand fits the description of a Tool to the T.

Tom Cruise
TOOL
With all of his Scientology nonsense & couch-jumping cray cray, Tom Cruise should be called Tom Tools. Ha. Ha. (Anyone?)

Kanye West
DOUCHE
“Imma let you finish, but—” has become a trademark. A douchey one.

Get it yet? We hope this guide has been informative & educational, etc., etc. Now, should the need arise, you’re perfectly qualified to distinguish between these two classes of subhuman ridiculousness. You’re welcome!

Hugs, Kisses, & The Best Record of All Time – Of All Time!,
Tyler & Ali

Write for Ty & Pants!

Hand WritingSo, after many obnoxious YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR OUR BLOOOOOG!s, we decided that there might be a better way to go about getting people to contribute opinions & stories, etc. So! Here goes: If you’re interested in contributing something thrilling to our blog, you really ought to! I mean, after a point, the opinions that we express might have the potential to get old without a few pieces from other people sprinkled in to spice it up. If you’ve got something to say, let us publish it! We’ll credit you & even give you a fancy bio page! Just leave us a comment, & we’ll holla at you. 🙂

Love, Kisses, & Us on our Knees (Strictly for Begging Purposes),
Tyler & Ali