A few weeks ago, I decided it would be a good idea to watch MTV’s Jersey Shore. Not for the obviously engaging dialogue, or well thought-out concept, no. I wanted to watch it because those deranged Guidos and Guidettes are 8 of the most fascinating reality show subjects I’ve ever witnessed. Let’s run down who they are, shall we?
They're gonna have such a special day!
Ronnie is reaching toward his home planet.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro – Let me put this into perspective for you. The opening credits of Jersey Shore is the characters, their names, and an audio clip of them saying something stupid. Ronnie’s quote is just him laughing like a retarded boy. This is a perfect opener for what Jersey Shore has to offer. Ronnie’s attitude is not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. He continues by saying that it’s all about getting laid and getting women to come to you by not wearing a shirt. I feel that his analogy of flies to shit is somewhat lacking, though.
Just out of frame: Blood Drenched Hatchet
Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick – Jolie refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island or some such drivel. In actuality, she is a bartender and has a boyfriend back home. However, she breaks up with said boyfriend and is soon evicted from the house for refusing to work. Stay tuned, though, because I’m sure we’ll see her soon either in the pages of Playboy, or on a YouTube video, detailing her plan to kill the President. On the second night, some of the guys invite some random girls off the street to bang in their roof jacuzzi. This does not go over well with Jolie at all. She refers to the girls as Whore-Bags because, as we all know, you can always spot a whore as someone willing to get into a jacuzzi when invited.
This is Vinny's hilarious stroke impression. It goes over really well when he's volunteering at nursing homes.
Vinny Guadagnino – Vinny seems like quite a sweet young man. He comes from a rather large Italian family and doesn’t need to look like an idiot to consider himself a Guido. However, I was able to ignore all of this when I realized that during his introductory interview, he had the biggest sweat stains I have ever witnessed bleeding through his shirt’s armpits. To make matters worse, he decides to start fist-pumping, revealing his underarms to the entire MTV audience. Vinny is celebrating his first Summer as a 21 year old at the Shore, so I’m hoping for a series of ridiculous actions and three livers worth of drinking from him.
That may look like cloth, but JWoww's dress is actually made from the dried flesh of her felled enemies who were not fortunate enough to go to Valhalla.
Jenni “JWoww” Farley – Jenni is introduced in a series of clips of her modeling and being a whore. She narrates by confirming these promiscuous accusations. She goes on about getting guys and eating their heads, which I didn’t really understand, but hey, she’s on TV and I’m not, so I guess she can say whatever the hell she wants to. Based on the quality of the small clip we actually see of her talking, I think it was the video she sent to MTV so she could be on this show, but she decided it would be a good idea not to wear make-up whilst she talked about the finer parts of being attractive. However, she outdoes herself by getting painted up like a homeless clown in her official intro interview. She introduces herself to the other housemates as ‘JWoww’ because she’s an idiot. As a 21st birthday gift to herself, she got a boob job, though it totally doesn’t show!* At dinner on the second night (The Situation sits at the head of the house), Vinny is saying grace and keeps giggling like a pre-pubescent school girl. JWoww goes on about grace not being a joke or some such malarkey, but it’s pretty hard to make a comment in favor of religion when you are in fact, the Devil.
Here we see the Situation pointing at the Situation's Situation. Hear that? That was your mind exploding.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – First Impression: The Situation walks into the Jersey Shore house, sees a Scarface poster and exclaims, “Oo~oh! Scarface!” I hate The Situation. Soon after, Sammi “Sweetheart” shows up at the house. The Situation’s reaction: “I see this beautiful girl, and I’m like, ‘damn!’ And I was immediately like, alright. I figured I’d hook up with her.” This man’s view of the world is so simple and beautiful, perhaps if we could all live in the mystical fantasy world of The Situation, we would no longer have war, or poverty, or hatred. We could all live as one unified people in a perfect existence. However, we would suffer from the fact that we would all be blithering idiots with God Complexes. The Situation often refers to The Situation in the third person and also refers to The Situation’s abs as ‘The Situation’.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi – Snooki is the Guido Goblin. She’s about 4 foot negative 6 inches, and doesn’t seem to understand how thought works. She spends the entire drive to the Jersey Shore swearing at people in other cars who can’t hear her, cutting people off, and admitting she can’t drive. Finally, her car dies near the house. In a later episode, some guy punches her in the face in a club for reasons I don’t know, but still agree with. Snookie spends her first day at the house by getting frighteningly drunk to the point where she can’t walk without slurring and tells everyone she goblin-loves them. Soon thereafter, all the guys get into the hot tub on the roof and Snooki figures that it’s a good idea to make out with everyone including one of the girls (I don’t know which one, they all look alike other than the Goblin). She soon passes out and everybody leaves so they can try and remember what life was like before they knew Goblins existed. She eventually wakes up and tries to call her dad who swears at her and doesn’t believe she is who she says she is. Snooki then shows up late for her first day of work and gets a stern talkin’ to from ‘Da Boss’. She claims that it’s ‘not [like] her’ to show up late, or make a bad impression however. I guess I missed the part where she was told that all that Vodka she was drinking was actually chocolate milk and sunshine. In Snooki’s own words, she is usually the center of attention, probably in the way that the man with half a face is the person you’re going to star at in a Hospital waiting room. So she contemplates leaving the house because people don’t notice her or something. I’m not entirely sure because I don’t speak Goblin. Luckily, she stays, and we get to continue watching the train wreck that is her life.
“What? No, it's not my blow dryer! More like, should be in the kitchen! Ha ha!"
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio – Visually, DJ Pauly D is the worst person to ever live. It doesn’t help that he’s also a bit of a belligerent misogynist. After witnessing The Situation and Sweetheart cooking together, he proclaims (in a private interview, of course) that Women are supposed to cook, and Men are supposed to eat. A lot of people would agree with that statement, however, most of those people would not have a low enough IQ to say it on television. DJ Pauly D is, as you may have guessed, a DJ. He also owns a tanning bed, buys enough hair gel to feed a family of wigs, and is 29. When DJ Pauly D wakes up in the morning, he does his hair, then he does it again before he goes out on the town. The entire process takes about 25 minutes.
DJ Pauly D, on the second night, makes a desperate attempt at comparing picking up Women from a second story deck to fishing, or something just as retarded. However, he gets too caught up in trying to explain himself to himself and ends up looking like a bit of a spacker, He then tries, in vain, to save himself with a horribly-placed smile that makes him look like a rapist.
After she is done communing with her Dark Overlord, Sammi enjoys walks on the beach and mass genocide! Yay!
Sammi ‘Sweetheart” Giancola – She is described as a heartbreaker, but I like to think of her as more of a stupid spoiled slut (Alliterations! See? English can be fun, too!). I don’t have a whole lot to say about her, but I think that’s just because she doesn’t make as much a show out of herself like The Situation, DJ Pauly D, and Snooki do. I really hate Snooki.
After watching a few episodes, I’m almost entirely certain that all of these people are from some sort of horrific race of space-evil. To illustrate this point, the House phone is a duck. It seems to me that they were called down from whatever Star System they originated from to observe life on Earth and mate with our Women. Ironically, Snooki is on the only one to question the duck phone, which is odd, because she seems like she would be the Alien High Commander. This also seems like a highly-possible explanation when the next day, The Situation is wearing a shirt with a British Flag on it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t they been going on the whole time, talking about how Italian they are? If they’re all such proud Guidos, why is the Situation covering up the Situation’s Situation with another country’s flag? I’ll tell you why, because all they learned about Guido’s, they learned from television mixed with Archie comics. I’m not sure how that equates to a British Flag shirt, but that’s aliens for you.
Remember in the Fantastic Four #s 48-50? When Galactus came to Earth to destroy it, or eat it, or whatever? And then Uatu, the Watcher showed up even though he is sworn to never interfere with the planet he’s observing? Well, I imagine that Uatu should be showing up any day now to let everyone know that we should either destroy this threat to sanity, or evacuate the planet because it has already been far too tainted to ever become habitable again.
“This shall be your new home, Earthlings. The only threat to your mind you will find here are the cannibalistic Lunar Beasts that dwell in the craters. Farewell.”
Contributed by Dane Matthews.